Crack-How it changes a person….

We once knew this guy named Gerry twenty years ago he was so handsome and every girl wanted to be near him.  So much has changed for Gerry and it is very sad really.  He went from being a handsome, smart, sweet guy to a man who is falling apart from his addiction to crack.

My aunt Trish had always been a very close friend of Gerry’s, even trying to take him in to her home about twenty years ago to help him.  At that point he was just experimenting with pot and booze and sometimes coke, but most people could see he was choosing the wrong path in life.

Every once in a while my aunt would run into Gerry, but for me I haven’t seen him in a good twenty years.  Last week we were sitting on my aunt’s porch and I saw this scary, dirty, long haired, no teethed man riding a bike.  I commented on how sad it was to see someone like that in that bad of a shape obviously from drugs. 

Trish quickly told me that who we were looking at was Gerry!  I couldn’t believe my eyes, I was so saddened by this information I actually wanted to cry.  Trish told me it was so bad that he had lost all of his teeth due to drugs, his hair was falling out, his face was concaved and he also talks to himself.  He looked over at us sitting there and threw us a wave.

Seeing him quickly reminded Trish about an incident that happened in the past month with Gerry.  Trish told me one morning she was going out to her truck (which is parked in the lane behind her house) to run some errands. She was getting her keys ready head down trying to find the right button on the clicker and sees a set of legs sticking out from under her truck.  She screams and jumps back two feet swearing and at the same moment the man crawls out from under the truck saying “Trish, Trish it’s me Gerry, I was just hanging out here don’t panic”.  :Trish I’m not doing nothing I’m not touching your truck”.  Trish, just having the shit scared out of her yells at him “I don’t give a shit that it’s you Gerry you dumb ass, what if I didn’t see you there and ran you the hell over”?

She then started yelling and lecturing him all at the same moment, quickly realizing that nothing is going to help this sad excuse for a man.  He is lost, gone, no longer even a quarter of what he used to be.  The sadness overwhelmed her as she told him to get out and not to come back again.  She was taken back to a time where this man was so much and had so much to offer the world, yet look at him now.  He lower his head, nodded and with that he was on his way out of the lane, crack pipe held tightly in his hand. 

Trish has told me how much she would love to help Gerry but knows that he is too far gone.  Finding him under her truck and invading her space like that was just too much.  Having a sister that is a crack addict, she knows that if she allows Gerry to feel like he can be close to her that she just may find him sleeping on the porch next time. 

 

Beckie

Will he stop?

Will he stop drinking?  I don’t have the answer to that question and that is where I have a problem.  I am not perfect and love to have control.  I don’t want to be so much in control that I tell the love of my life everything he can and can’t do, but when it comes to the consumption of alcohol I wish I could do just that. 

Last night I picked Jack up from work and we did a bunch of errands on the way home.  He broke his finger and we needed to get him a splint from the local drug store.  After a couple of hours we wound our way home.  At this time I was ready to get dinner ready and Jack had said he was tired and was heading up for some much needed rest. 

Well I guess it was too much to hope for that he was just going to head up without a thought of drinking.  He opened the drawer and reached for the corkscrew.  I shot him a look that I know I shouldn’t have but I’m tired.  Tired of watching this beautiful man sabotage himself.  While I was waiting for the excuses to start I got the other Jack (the pissed off at the world) Jack.  He threw the corkscrew into the drawer and mumbled something and marched upstairs.

This of coarse makes me very nervous and edgy and I knew this was the beginning of a not so happy evening.  Everything ran through my mind in a quick second.  I thought about the excuses that were about to come, but they didn’t. One might say that this may have only been him drinking one glass of wine. I know better than that and we already had a weekend filled with drinking. 

He didn’t really consume a lot of booze over the weekend but he drank from Friday to Sunday. He even made the excuse Sunday that he should buy a twelve pack in case my uncle came over.  Instead he drank the whole thing.  Was that his intention from the get go?  Most likely.

On Saturday night we had a dinner with his boss and some of his co-workers.  One of those co-workers happen to be his childhood friend.  This man has to be the worst person for Jack.  When Jack had completely quit drinking this man (Shorty) literally walked up to Jack put the beer bottle under his nose and asked him if he missed it.  In my opinion, not a friend I would want in my life. 

Shorty was at this dinner on Saturday night and all was going well until Jack was sitting at the table beer-less.  He had only had two at the point and was pacing himself because I straight up asked him to please stay sober.  Shorty of coarse is a drunk too and we all know misery loves company and leans over to ask Jack if he wants a beer.  Jack didn’t immediately answer so Shorty continues to ask about five times.

At this point I had enough and I know I shouldn’t have but I looked right into Shorty’s eyes and asked him if he was a pusher.  I asked him this as many times as he asked Jack if he wanted a beer. Yes I lowered myself to acting like a child but it felt great.  I followed up with calling him a loser so that only he could hear me.

To follow is a small excerpt from a continuous letter that I have been typing to Jack for a few months.  I may never give this to him but for me it is somehow very cleansing.

Our final chapter.

It is with the deepest sadness that I am typing you this letter. I feel our run is over and I am saddened to the core. I don’t want to leave you but I feel I am running out of options. Tonight I did give you a look for grabbing the cork screw but you have drank from Friday to Sunday and skipped Monday….. I guess the breaks are getting fewer and further between. I can see it written all over your face that you are completely done with me and would rather be with the booze. I am so sad right now I don’t even think I could possibly make you understand. All I wanted to do was talk to you and tell you how I feel but you don’t really want to hear it. You say you want me to tell you everything obviously that doesn’t include the discussion of alcohol.  I still know that you are the love of my life but I can’t stand by and watch you drink yourself to death, it’s slowly killing me inside.

I am running out of options and don’t want to give ultimatums it feels very immature.  I am not really sure if I am going to actually give this letter to him or this is as I said before my release, my way of talking because apparently I can’t talk to him.  Not about this.

 

Beckie

Meeting the Ex.

Meeting the Ex.

I had been told the Ex was a crackhead that was trying to get clean. She had been out of Jack and the kids lives for a couple of years and was now trying to mend the relationship between her and the kids. To me that sounded great, boy was I wrong. So meeting the Ex……interesting to say the least. She catches wind of me being present in my boyfriend’s life and wants to meet me, yet every time I hear him talking to her on the phone I can hear her screaming and yelling like a nut case. I was a little uncomfortable with the thought of meeting her. Boy was I ever in for a treat.

Finally after seeing my boyfriend for a few weeks I go over to HIS house and meet the ex. Unbelievably she is fantastic to me, inviting me for drinks and food…. I of coarse find this very interesting considering this is HIS house HIS food and HIS booze and not hers odd but friendly. It was almost like I was dating her brother or something. How messed up is that? Her boyfriend was also present and having a grand old time with my Jack’s booze and food.

Sitting in Jack’s small kitchen the crackhead her boyfriend Jack and I talking about nothing yet I could feel the tension building. I have to say I found this all a little strange but I was thinking that it is also pretty cool that everyone gets along…. Ha, that’s what I thought. It took about two hours and a few coolers before the crack head in her came out. As soon as she saw my hand reach for my boyfriends hand or if our eyes met and we smiled at each other that was it for her. Her head would be twitching like a clucking chicken.

Basically the next few hours consisted of the EX trying to pick a fight with my Jack. Over the kids over his drinking over anything…..but really it was over me. Sadly she felt threatened by me.
Was I ever in for a world of culture shock…..I was definitely not prepared for this kind of behavior from anyone. Wishing that seeing her would be at a minimal was just that, wishful thinking. From that moment on all of our relationships together would be toxic. I would come to see Jack and Crackhead would show up. Speaking to me with a smile on her face I could still feel the tension, her teeth gritting having to speak to me so nicely. I decided to come on Wednesday’s, so she decided to come on Wednesday’s. You have to remember this is a woman who was hardly ever here till I showed up on the scene. Most times all would be ok at first till the end of the evening and basically Crackhead and her mate would end up leaving in the midst of a screaming match.

I was well aware that when I was not around Crackhead would try to convince Jack that he shouldn’t be with me. Crackhead was always calling me all sorts of names when I wasn’t around all combinations of names consistently having the word FAT in it. When Jack and I were with his kids she would call his phone constantly screaming and swearing forever driving him out of his mind. I started getting closer with the daughter and that was a not a good thing as far as Crackhead was concerned. Crackhead didn’t like that at all she felt very threatened by me. I am sure it’s because she feels inadequate as a mother.

I have to say his being threatened by me bothers me to my soul. This woman says I am trying to mother her kids yet when she used to come over here she would spend time with Jack and I in the kitchen acting like a maniac. One time we came home to find her here at Jack’s house and we decided to stay across the street with my aunt. Crackhead marches across the street to ask us to come over to Jack’s place for a few drinks. We both quickly tell her that we are staying across the street so that she can spend time with her children. Trust me she was not too impressed that we didn’t immediately follow her across the street. If she is so upset with me getting too close to her kids why is she more interested in Jack and me coming over to visit with her?

I myself have left my sons to live with their father and he has a girlfriend that is fantastic with my kids. Why would I have a problem with this? She is being kind and gently with my kids and as a mother I appreciate that very much. She felt I was taking her kids away from her and started bad mouthing me to the daughter. The things that she said to this 13 year old little girl were unbelievable. She was talking about me and Jack having sex, saying that she is no longer her mother because now I was. The poor child has been through enough having her mother leave her and her brother behind. Now this is what I have to deal with …..Help me god.

Alcoholism

Living with an Alcoholic

It’s not easy being in love with a man who can’t ever say no to a drink. Jack is one of the nicest, kindest men you could ever meet…. The problem is he can’t completely stop drinking. This is a man who drank twelve to twenty-four beers in a day at least five days a week sometimes more. He decided to quit drinking for a while, he never said that he would quit forever he did say he was giving his body a break, but he did fantastic for at least two months. He promised himself and me that he would never drink again at work and he has not since. That is incredible, but after about two months we decided to go away and he decided a few beers were a good idea. Did he overdo it? Not at all, but he did tell me that he hoped he could be the kind of person who could just have one or two and not take it any further. He later told me that wasn't in the cards for him.

I am worried for so many different reasons. I am worried for him, I am worried for our relationship and the relationships around him and I am worried for myself. I met Jack when he was a full fledged alcoholic and yet I still fell in love with this man. I was drawn to him for so many reasons but not extremely put off by the drinking till our first real drunken fighting match when I quickly realize this was a huge problem. This is when the nasty came out of him, his anger, his insecurity’s and all the things he hated about woman and people in general. I was instantly taken back to my childhood when my father used to do the exact same thing to my mother.

Many things bother me about Jack drinking. One of the biggest thing is watching him when he is either going to buy the beer or actually has the beer, his mood instantly changes when he knows the beer is close at hand. It’s almost like euphoria he is experiencing knowing that he is about to put the booze into his system. It almost makes me physically ill watching this extreme change in his behavior.
Why I didn't get out of this relationship at the beginning I can only answer with the fact that I loved Jack so much sober that I hoped he would just quit and move on with our lives.

I guess it’s easy for a person who has never had an addiction to drugs or alcohol before in their lives to say. I hope and wish this man can clean up and I do know that he doesn’t want me to leave and keeps the drinking at a minimal to make sure I don’t. The only thing is that it has to be a choice for him not for anyone else. If so then those people that he quit for will be always to blame for why he still consumes his alcohol.

I have already heard the regular excuses as to why he NEEDS to drink. Such as “it’s been a stressful day” or “it’s such a beautiful day to sit on the veranda and have a few beers”, “I need a few beers in order to relax”, and last but not least “my friend is coming over and we have to have a few beers, that is what we have always done”. The excuses for drinking more often or for consuming more than a few are as follows, “when you get that look on your face you make me want to drink more’. “I see how disgusted you are in me and it makes me want to down a beer or two when you are out of the room just so I don’t have to see that look”.

Help me to help him.

I want so much for this man to be sober; he has so much to offer everyone in his life. He is kind gentle and so attentive without the booze, but yet he feels he needs it in order to do many things in life. This saddens me to my very core. It’s so unfortunate that he feels he needs booze in order to come out of his shy self. Why does he have to come out of his shell? I love that about him and what he doesn’t understand is that when you have a room full of people you need to have many different personalities in order to make for an interesting evening. I love the fact that he isn’t like anyone else, he is unique and is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, inside and out.

It has to be the most uncomfortable position to be in watching someone you love sabotage themselves day in and day out. I can't make him stop, I can only tell him how I feel and hope that this man is able to see that this addiction is killing him slowly. I am no idiot yet here I am landed in the middle of a relationship that is going in circles at the present time. Before I met Jack I would often wonder how a woman or men could stay with someone just like Jack. I now have a better understanding of that inquiry. Sometimes when you love someone you overlook things, even when there are huge issues. Many people do it every day.

I had hoped that typing this all out and reading it over and over again would help me to come to some kind of conclusion on where exactly that I want this relationship to go. Sadly the jury is still out on that one. I will always love him and hope that I don’t have to make the heartbreaking decision to leave him over the booze considering that when there is no booze involved he is pretty damn close to being the "perfect mate".

Beckie

Yes ladies they do still exist...

Yes ladies they do still exist……

So standing out in front of my home, I’m just mingling with the neighbors (the locals) I’ll call them. Misha and I are just shooting the shit about the day’s events…. Which were pretty uneventful if I do say so myself. Ralph (the male chauvinistic pig) walks up and says. “Look at all the people who don’t work around here”. I look and him and say “Well Misha works and Morgan works and I cleaned the house and go the dinner ready, and that is work”. He looks at me and says “what you call that work, you should cook and clean if you are staying at someone’s place that is what the women are supposed to do”.

Come on now are you kidding me? Where is this man from Mars? He walks behind me and forces me to throw a back kick at the pig which just missed his face….. How pleased am I now? Yes I lowered myself and enjoyed every frigging minute of it. I ask him what the hell he is talking about considering there are three woman and one man (not him I may add) sitting on the porch listening to this.

Yes I am on unemployment and trust me I have worked enough years to have deserved to take back my contribution. Unfortunately the I.Q of MIsha isn’t higher than the amount of fingers she possesses and she laughs at him. Yes this is why pigs like him think the way they do…. Laugh and think he’s cute when he talks like that. As for Morgan she is young and probably thinks it’s better to just sit there quietly then to disrespect him. Well that’s more than I can say for him.

This street is full of losers like him who think that woman are below him. At that moment I felt like I stepped back from our time to a time where woman were nowhere near equal to men. This is the same guy who drives a school bus, you know a job that seems to be more for the elderly or young mothers than big middle aged tough guys like him.

I personally don’t feel that way but he is most certainly the type who would. I’m sure there will be more stories of “The male chauvinistic pig” I hope you enjoy them. He amuses me in so many ways, I’m not sure if it’s because I know he feeling inadequate somewhere deep within himself or just because I know how much I aggravate him.
Guaranteed more to come from him sometime soon…..


Beckie

Greetings.

Hello everyone and welcome,

I totally thought that this blogging thing couldn’t possibly be that hard. I mean I like to talk and people like to read, so what is the big deal. Well first of all there is so much to say… So in thinking that this would be easy I have written twelve paragraphs and still can’t decide which story to post. Great so this isn’t going to be as easy as I thought. So let’s just start with me telling you that I most certainly do not take this blogging thing lightly. I really do want to share so much, the sad the happy and the crazy ass things that I have seen in the last year especially. So please, wish me luck and I hope you can enjoy what I can bring to you and to myself in this blog.

Regards,

Beckie