Will he stop?

Will he stop drinking?  I don’t have the answer to that question and that is where I have a problem.  I am not perfect and love to have control.  I don’t want to be so much in control that I tell the love of my life everything he can and can’t do, but when it comes to the consumption of alcohol I wish I could do just that. 

Last night I picked Jack up from work and we did a bunch of errands on the way home.  He broke his finger and we needed to get him a splint from the local drug store.  After a couple of hours we wound our way home.  At this time I was ready to get dinner ready and Jack had said he was tired and was heading up for some much needed rest. 

Well I guess it was too much to hope for that he was just going to head up without a thought of drinking.  He opened the drawer and reached for the corkscrew.  I shot him a look that I know I shouldn’t have but I’m tired.  Tired of watching this beautiful man sabotage himself.  While I was waiting for the excuses to start I got the other Jack (the pissed off at the world) Jack.  He threw the corkscrew into the drawer and mumbled something and marched upstairs.

This of coarse makes me very nervous and edgy and I knew this was the beginning of a not so happy evening.  Everything ran through my mind in a quick second.  I thought about the excuses that were about to come, but they didn’t. One might say that this may have only been him drinking one glass of wine. I know better than that and we already had a weekend filled with drinking. 

He didn’t really consume a lot of booze over the weekend but he drank from Friday to Sunday. He even made the excuse Sunday that he should buy a twelve pack in case my uncle came over.  Instead he drank the whole thing.  Was that his intention from the get go?  Most likely.

On Saturday night we had a dinner with his boss and some of his co-workers.  One of those co-workers happen to be his childhood friend.  This man has to be the worst person for Jack.  When Jack had completely quit drinking this man (Shorty) literally walked up to Jack put the beer bottle under his nose and asked him if he missed it.  In my opinion, not a friend I would want in my life. 

Shorty was at this dinner on Saturday night and all was going well until Jack was sitting at the table beer-less.  He had only had two at the point and was pacing himself because I straight up asked him to please stay sober.  Shorty of coarse is a drunk too and we all know misery loves company and leans over to ask Jack if he wants a beer.  Jack didn’t immediately answer so Shorty continues to ask about five times.

At this point I had enough and I know I shouldn’t have but I looked right into Shorty’s eyes and asked him if he was a pusher.  I asked him this as many times as he asked Jack if he wanted a beer. Yes I lowered myself to acting like a child but it felt great.  I followed up with calling him a loser so that only he could hear me.

To follow is a small excerpt from a continuous letter that I have been typing to Jack for a few months.  I may never give this to him but for me it is somehow very cleansing.

Our final chapter.

It is with the deepest sadness that I am typing you this letter. I feel our run is over and I am saddened to the core. I don’t want to leave you but I feel I am running out of options. Tonight I did give you a look for grabbing the cork screw but you have drank from Friday to Sunday and skipped Monday….. I guess the breaks are getting fewer and further between. I can see it written all over your face that you are completely done with me and would rather be with the booze. I am so sad right now I don’t even think I could possibly make you understand. All I wanted to do was talk to you and tell you how I feel but you don’t really want to hear it. You say you want me to tell you everything obviously that doesn’t include the discussion of alcohol.  I still know that you are the love of my life but I can’t stand by and watch you drink yourself to death, it’s slowly killing me inside.

I am running out of options and don’t want to give ultimatums it feels very immature.  I am not really sure if I am going to actually give this letter to him or this is as I said before my release, my way of talking because apparently I can’t talk to him.  Not about this.

 

Beckie

Alcoholism

Living with an Alcoholic

It’s not easy being in love with a man who can’t ever say no to a drink. Jack is one of the nicest, kindest men you could ever meet…. The problem is he can’t completely stop drinking. This is a man who drank twelve to twenty-four beers in a day at least five days a week sometimes more. He decided to quit drinking for a while, he never said that he would quit forever he did say he was giving his body a break, but he did fantastic for at least two months. He promised himself and me that he would never drink again at work and he has not since. That is incredible, but after about two months we decided to go away and he decided a few beers were a good idea. Did he overdo it? Not at all, but he did tell me that he hoped he could be the kind of person who could just have one or two and not take it any further. He later told me that wasn't in the cards for him.

I am worried for so many different reasons. I am worried for him, I am worried for our relationship and the relationships around him and I am worried for myself. I met Jack when he was a full fledged alcoholic and yet I still fell in love with this man. I was drawn to him for so many reasons but not extremely put off by the drinking till our first real drunken fighting match when I quickly realize this was a huge problem. This is when the nasty came out of him, his anger, his insecurity’s and all the things he hated about woman and people in general. I was instantly taken back to my childhood when my father used to do the exact same thing to my mother.

Many things bother me about Jack drinking. One of the biggest thing is watching him when he is either going to buy the beer or actually has the beer, his mood instantly changes when he knows the beer is close at hand. It’s almost like euphoria he is experiencing knowing that he is about to put the booze into his system. It almost makes me physically ill watching this extreme change in his behavior.
Why I didn't get out of this relationship at the beginning I can only answer with the fact that I loved Jack so much sober that I hoped he would just quit and move on with our lives.

I guess it’s easy for a person who has never had an addiction to drugs or alcohol before in their lives to say. I hope and wish this man can clean up and I do know that he doesn’t want me to leave and keeps the drinking at a minimal to make sure I don’t. The only thing is that it has to be a choice for him not for anyone else. If so then those people that he quit for will be always to blame for why he still consumes his alcohol.

I have already heard the regular excuses as to why he NEEDS to drink. Such as “it’s been a stressful day” or “it’s such a beautiful day to sit on the veranda and have a few beers”, “I need a few beers in order to relax”, and last but not least “my friend is coming over and we have to have a few beers, that is what we have always done”. The excuses for drinking more often or for consuming more than a few are as follows, “when you get that look on your face you make me want to drink more’. “I see how disgusted you are in me and it makes me want to down a beer or two when you are out of the room just so I don’t have to see that look”.

Help me to help him.

I want so much for this man to be sober; he has so much to offer everyone in his life. He is kind gentle and so attentive without the booze, but yet he feels he needs it in order to do many things in life. This saddens me to my very core. It’s so unfortunate that he feels he needs booze in order to come out of his shy self. Why does he have to come out of his shell? I love that about him and what he doesn’t understand is that when you have a room full of people you need to have many different personalities in order to make for an interesting evening. I love the fact that he isn’t like anyone else, he is unique and is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, inside and out.

It has to be the most uncomfortable position to be in watching someone you love sabotage themselves day in and day out. I can't make him stop, I can only tell him how I feel and hope that this man is able to see that this addiction is killing him slowly. I am no idiot yet here I am landed in the middle of a relationship that is going in circles at the present time. Before I met Jack I would often wonder how a woman or men could stay with someone just like Jack. I now have a better understanding of that inquiry. Sometimes when you love someone you overlook things, even when there are huge issues. Many people do it every day.

I had hoped that typing this all out and reading it over and over again would help me to come to some kind of conclusion on where exactly that I want this relationship to go. Sadly the jury is still out on that one. I will always love him and hope that I don’t have to make the heartbreaking decision to leave him over the booze considering that when there is no booze involved he is pretty damn close to being the "perfect mate".

Beckie